Be warned...this is going to be long!
Yesterday, I resigned as President-elect of MeHIMA. It has been looming over me since the "great lymphoma scare of 2010". I feel like I've been burning the candle on both ends and that was just one more thing that I had to make time for and quite honestly, it was beginning to feel like a burden (which honestly benefits nobody-me or MeHIMA). I need to simplify my life and focus on my health & family. So, yesterday I gave my resignation and it feels great.
Today was my March ME First facilitation meeting. I woke up this morning and didn't want to go. I thought about it and decided that I really needed to go regardless if I wanted to or not. Plus, when I don't feel like going is the time that I actually need it the most. So, I went. We all started talking and doing our "check-ins" and I just didn't want to talk. I knew that if I started talking, I would end up crying and I just didn't feel like it. So I didn't do a "check-in".
We were handed some paperwork regarding goal setting and a form on "Process for Creating Long Term Goals". This form was basically a range of numbers from 1-10. 10 is the "ideal state" which should be a stretch, but also realistically attainable. Things to consider are: how will you be feeling? How will you be looking? What will you be physically capable of doing? How will you be eating? How will you be exercising? What will be your overall health (including medication use, disease management, etc.). On the 1-10 scale, we were instructed to mark where we believe we were when we started ME First and write some descriptors of our condition at that time. Then, we were instructed to mark where we believe we are today and add some descriptors. Finally, we were instructed to mark the place on the 1-10 scale where we would like to be in 6-12 months and write descriptors for how we will be then. AND write a "long term (6-12 months) goal" for ourself at the top of the goal worksheet.
I started filling it out and had no problem at all writing down my "ideal state": at goal weight, feeling fit & fabulous, looking fit (toned & healthy), physically capable of working out 4-5 times a week, eating clean 80% of the time, strength, cardio, & flexibility 4-5 times per week, overall health (taking vitamins/supplements regularly), feeling good, clothes fitting well, lots of energy, no low back pain (don't even get me started on that one!), feeling good about appearance.
I completed the "mark where you believe you were when you started ME First and write descriptors. I feel that I was at a "2" and used the following descriptors: overweight, inactive, eating very poorly, no energy, felt really bad about my appearance.
Then, I had a hard time. I had to write where I felt I was today. I did it-marked myself at a "5" because although I've "fallen back", I have learned so much and feel that I'm farther along than where I was when I started. BUT, I kept looking at the paper and it just felt like it didn't show the "full picture". I kept obsessing over where I was 6-8 months ago. Then, I feel that I was doing great and was well on my way to my ideal. I would say I was about an "8" on the numbers range. I was eating nutritiously, working out regularly and was well on my way to my weight loss goal. And honestly, weight is not the most important factor in that (although when I first started it was my number one motivator). I want to be leading an active & healthy lifestyle and the weight is just a number because if I am doing what I want to be doing, the weight loss will just be an added bonus.
So, I kept looking up at Jeri (my facilitator) and then I would look down. I was trying to decide if I wanted to talk or not because I knew that the minute I opened my mouth the tears would start. Well, I had to talk. So, I explained to Jeri that I was struggling because I felt like I had been so close to my goals and then went backwards. Jeri is awesome. I felt that she was truly listening and got what I was saying. She helped to redirect all of the negative energy that I was feeling into more of an empowering direction. (if that makes sense). She asked me why I felt that I couldn't get back to where I wanted to be. She asked me if I had fear. YES! That is exactly it. I am sooooo scared that if I get back to a place where I'm feeling great and achieving my goals, then what happens if I have another health crisis, or something else that derails me? Well, she said that is just how life is and the one thing she said that totally sent chills up my spine was this: "Do not fear yesterday or tomorrow because we only have TODAY". Wow. I just got chills again typing it. It is SO true. I have been beating myself up because I have not been eating well, not been working out because of my back-I am focusing so much on the negative. So, I really thought long & hard about what she said and decided that if I want to achieve my goals, I really need to stop all of the negative chatter that is going on in my head. And in all honestly, I am certainly not where I was when I started ME First. I have gained soooo much information. I know myself more, I know what "makes me tick". So, today is the first day of me taking it one day at a time and just doing what I need to do to achieve my goals. Will I have setbacks? Of course I will-I'm human and life happens. But, will I achieve my goals? You better believe I will! I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but does it really matter? All I can do is focus on now.
So, my goals for today are:
1. Set up appointment with Jameson (my new fitness specialist-Aaron is no longer with ME First-more on that later!)
2. Call my doctor and get an order to get my vitamin D level checked.
3. Schedule meeting with Hope (my wellness coach).
UPDATE on goals:
1. I emailed Jameson, he replied so we're working on a date/time.
2. Called and left voicemail. Waiting for response. Update: Doctor's office called me back. She wants me to come over at 2:30 today to do some bloodwork. She is doing vitamin D level as well as thyroid & CBC.
3. March 14 at 1:00
Do Not Fear Yesterday or Tomorrow-we only have TODAY.
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