Click here for my medical update
Up until the end of December, I was doing "ok" emotionally. I had moved on to monthly infusions, which definitely gave me more time to recover between infusions, and to process emotions. Then, the shitstorm happened. After my hospitalization, I got really scared. I shut down and ate my emotions. My thoughts were : "why bother? I can't control my illness, so I'm going to eat whatever I want. Nobody can tell me what to do. I do what I want, doesn't matter how healthy I try to be-something always happens, etc.". Total self-destruction. I gained twenty pounds. None of my clothes fit. Then, the whole cycle begins...my typical cycle of self-destruction. I was in a really bad place. Everything I feared at the beginning of my treatment had come true. I hated what I saw in the mirror. What did I see? An old, aged, fat, ugly person. It sounds harsh, but it's what I saw. So, what do I do to feel better? Nothing. It's a horrible cycle of self-destruction, depression, fear, anger, sadness, negative self-talk, along with every negative emotion I can think of. I was in a really bad place emotionally, probably the worst I have ever been.
Then, I started questioning:
What happened to the girl who enjoyed working on her journey to health? The girl who enjoyed eating well. The girl who enjoyed going to the gym. The girl who enjoyed getting dressed up (I've been living in, ironically, workout clothes).
In March, I decided I had had enough-I wanted to start taking small steps to get back to ME! I also decided that I had to stop looking back...looking back will do me no good. In order to move forward, I need to LOOK FORWARD! So, in March, I joined the Y and started going daily. It felt good! SO good! On April 11, we went on vacation (surprise road trip to DisneyWorld!) and got home on April 27. We had a great time, except that I left home with a cold that just wouldn't quit. I treated it as best as I could, and it would start getting better, but then get worse. When I got home, it hit me like a truck. I went to the doc and found out I had pneumonia. So, needless to say, I have not been back to the gym. I WILL be back, though!
My diet has been horrific...full of carbs, processed foods, soda, and hardly any vegetables or fruits.
This weekend, I was thinking. What are some steps I can take to get back to me? What are some things I can do that I enjoy (not just things that i feel that i "should do"). What are things that I can control and that are positive...things that make me feel like me, steps I can take to get myself into a better place.
I polished my nails and gave myself a pedicure-bright pretty colors! This morning, I did my hair and got dressed in real clothes (with cute shoes), I made myself a smoothie for breakfast, a chicken & veggie stir fry for lunch, and have been sipping on tea and snacking on nuts.
Another thing that I thought of was this blog. I used to LOVE my little blog. I loved updating, adding pictures, and just using it as a journal. I haven't blogged in SEVEN months! So, I am making a goal to post every single day for the rest of the month to get back into the habit. Be prepared for some quick, little posts. I feel like I'm on my way back...
or should I say MOVING FORWARD!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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